BUILD A BOX

Winter Box + Shred

The Teal Box Gift Card

Sometimes I stare at my husband when he isn’t looking and I think to myself, wow… He is one lucky son of a bitch.

Teacher: “Name a book that made you cry.” Me: Algebra

This whole “kill them with Kindness” thing is taking way longer than anticipated

I came, I saw, I forgot what I was doing, retraced my steps, got distracted on my way back, have no idea what’s going on and now I have to pee.

Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.

Wife: “I’m Pissed!” Husband: “Again or still?”

I just fired myself from cleaning the house. I don’t like my attitude & I got caught drinking on the job.

I’ve reached that age where my brain goes from “You probably shouldn’t say that.” to “What the hell, let’s see what happens.”

I wish I had more Middle Fingers

And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in & doing whatever we wanted in a clean house, so we had kids.

Most people can’t tell if I’m being sincere or a smartass. It’s kind of a gift.

My ability to remember song lyrics from the 80s far exceeds my ability to remember why I walked into the kitchen.

Mr. Rogers did not adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood

I didn’t wear earrings for a long time and the holes closed. Now I’m worried about my vagina.

At my funeral take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it at the crowd to see who is next.

Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.

When someone tells me I look familiar, I tell them, “I do porn.”

Me: I love the swim-up bar at this resort! Husband: You’re in the bath and you’re drunk again

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes… She hugged me.

(Me at work) I don’t think I get enough credit for the fact that I do all of this sober

Sometimes I look at people and think “Really? That’s the sperm that won?”

Let me check my Giveashitometer. Nope, nothing.

I don’t mind coming to work, but waiting 8 hours to go home is bullshit.

Anyone getting to the point where it would be OK if Jolene came and took your man?

Listen, if drunk me said or did something, you gotta take it up with drunk me. Don’t come at sober me because we weren’t there. We don’t know what happened…

Therapist: and What do we do When we Are Sad? Me: Add to Cart. Therapist: No.

Fun Fact: If you refill a wine glass before it’s empty, it still counts as one glass.

Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for 11 minutes.

“That candle smells like Fireball” “Us non-alcoholics like to call that cinnamon, Becky”

Are You Drunk?

HR said I’m not allowed to make up names for my coworkers. I hope Frankie Fuckface is fucking happy now…

Overall, I love you more than I want to strangle you.

You know you’re getting old anytime you’re entering your DOB with a smartphone you get to the year and you have to spin that bitch like you’re on Wheel of Fortune

Car Coaster Camping Without Beer

Car Coaster I Am the Friend You Have to Explain

Car Coaster If It Wasn't For Jumping To Conclusions

Car Coaster Give me Wine

Car Coaster Time to Clean My Purse

Car Coaster Sorry to Push All Your Buttons

Car Coaster Dozen Cats Really Happy

Car Coaster We Go Together

Car Coaster Everything's Fine

Car Coaster Tried to be Normal Once

Car Coaster I'm Not Arguing

Car Coaster Love and a Cat

Car Coaster Once In A While Someone Amazing

Car Coaster Yes I Really Do Need All These Plants

Car Coaster I'm A Multitasker

Car Coaster Chicken Pot Pie

Car Coaster I May Be Wrong

Car Coaster You Call Them Swear Words

Car Coaster Rock Bottom Basement

Car Coaster Don't F*@k Up My Car

Car Coaster My Brain Has Too Many Tabs Open

I used to be cool, now I’m a Tiny person’s snack bitch Koozie

Everybody Chill, Dad is on the Grill Koozie

If stupid could fly you’d be a jet. Koozie

You look like something I drew with my left hand. Koozie

Do you believe in love at first sight, or do I need to walk past again? Koozie

Since I don’t qualify for a She Shed, I want a Bitch Barn. Koozie

Warning: Alcohol consumption will make you believe you’re whispering… I assure you , you’re not. Koozie

I’m not slurring my words I’m talking in cursive. Slim Koozie

First Sight Koozie

When one door closes and another door opens, you’re probably in prison. Koozie

I Believe in Holding Grudges I’ll Heal in Hell Mug

Out of Order

I Just Dropped My New Single. It's Me. I'm Single.

A Wise Woman Once Said Fuck This Shit!

Pretending To Be Polite Is So Exhausting

Banned From Mom Groups

Instead of a Grandchild May I Interest You In a Plant

Being Cremated Is My Last Hope For a Smoking Body

Does it look like I Rise & Shine? Mug