KITCHEN + HOME

Light Up, Get Down Incense

Go To Hell Embroidery Kit

I Don't Need Anger Management

Welcome To The Shit Show

You Are My Sunshine Wood Sign

Floral Bug Diamond Painting Kit

Diamond Painting Tool Pack

Bottle Brush Tree

This bottle of wine tastes like all the presents are going in gift bags this year. Kitchen Tea Towel

Swearing Helps Spatula

The Food Has Weed In It Spatula

Baking Some Shut The Fucupcakes Spatula

Red Hearts Swedish Dishcloth

Kitchen Spatulas

Wooden Spoons

Stir Crazy Spoon Rest

I keep the subtitles on because sometimes I'm just snackin' too loud.

They Should Put More Wine In A Bottle

Husband said calm down

Medium Chunky Salsa Me too, salsa. Me too. Kitchen Tea Towel

Don't ever let a recipe tell you how many chocolate chips to use. You measure that shit with your heart. Kitchen Tea Towel

Part of me says, I should stop drinking like this. But the other part of me says, “Don’t listen to her. She’s drunk.” Kitchen Tea Towel

I love Bacon because you can wrap it around everything. It is basically the duct tape of food. Kitchen Tea Towel

Thank you, Craft Beer Breweries, for making my drinking problem seem like a neat hobby. Kitchen Tea Towel

Are we having drinks? Or are we having dranks? I need to dress accordingly. Kitchen Tea Towel

I don’t know the secret to happiness, but I tell you what - I’ve never been sad at a Mexican restaurant. Kitchen Tea Towel

Eat a salad they said, it’s healthy. You know what never gets recalled? Kitchen Tea Towel

Way too many of our stories end with, “and that’s why we can never go back there.” Kitchen Tea Towel

So Are We Eating Our Feelings or Drinking Them? Kitchen Tea Towel

I'm Not Great At Advice Can I Interest You In A Sarcastic Comment Tea Towel

Apparently when someone says get a grip

Of all the lies I've told Just Kidding is my favorite

We Treat You Like Family Tea Towel

Telling a woman to calm down works about as well as baptizing a cat. Kitchen Tea Towel

BEFORE I GET BACK IN SHAPE TEA TOWEL

You're A Busy Woman Tea Towel

Washington Mountains Tea Towel

Coffee Swedish Dishcloth

Lemon Lime on White Swedish Dishcloth

Peaches Swedish Dishcloth

Piggies Swedish Dishcloth

Pineapples Swedish Dishcloth

Sea Turtles Swedish Dishcloth

Are You Drunk?

I Can't Wait To Retire So I Can Get Up At 6 O'clock In The Morning And Go Drive Around Really Slow And Make Everybody Late For Work

That Candle Smells Like Fireball

Fun Fact: If you refill a wine glass before it’s empty, it still counts as one glass.

Listen, if drunk me said or did something, you gotta take it up with drunk me. Don’t come at sober me because we weren’t there. We don’t know what happened…

I don’t mind coming to work, but waiting 8 hours to go home is bullshit.

HR said I’m not allowed to make up names for my coworkers

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes… She hugged me.

Let me check my Giveashitometer. Nope, nothing.

Me: I love the swim-up bar at this resort! Husband: You’re in the bath and you’re drunk again

Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.

At my funeral take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it at the crowd to see who is next.

I didn’t wear earrings for a long time and the holes closed. Now I’m worried about my vagina.

Mr. Rogers did not adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood

Stop being an Asshole

Whore Members

The officer said, You Drinking?

Scene at my boss's funeral

Let me call you right back

I got called pretty today!

Damn I woke up sexy again

Driving down a road and saw my ex coaster

Me: I'm actually happy right now.

I hate it when I go to the kitchen

It's 6 months since I joined the gym

Them "You need to listen to your body more."

Husband: What's for dinner?

When My Kids Say Daddy, i want mommy

I now know how it will all end for me

Me: I want to travel

You know you’re getting old anytime you’re entering your DOB with a smartphone you get to the year and you have to spin that bitch like you’re on Wheel of Fortune

Most people can’t tell if I’m being sincere or a smartass. It’s kind of a gift.