KITCHEN + HOME

The Food Has Weed In It Spatula

Baking Some Shut The Fucupcakes Spatula

I Bake Cupcakes Spatula

I Bake Shit And I Avoid People

Adulting Is Bullshit Potholders

Fuckity Fuck Fuck Potholders

When In Doubt Pull It Out

Rise And Shine Bitches!

Fuckity Fuck Fuck Apron

Pumpkin Spice Gnome

Procrastination is a good thing

I keep the subtitles on because sometimes I'm just snackin' too loud.

They Should Put More Wine In A Bottle

Husband said calm down

Medium Chunky Salsa Me too, salsa. Me too. Kitchen Tea Towel

Don't ever let a recipe tell you how many chocolate chips to use. You measure that shit with your heart. Kitchen Tea Towel

Part of me says, “I should stop drinking like this.” But the other part of me says, “Don’t listen to her. She’s drunk.” Kitchen Tea Towel

I love Bacon because you can wrap it around everything. It is basically the duct tape of food. Kitchen Tea Towel

Thank you, Craft Beer Breweries, for making my drinking problem seem like a neat hobby. Kitchen Tea Towel

Are we having drinks? Or are we having dranks? I need to dress accordingly. Kitchen Tea Towel

I don’t know the secret to happiness, but I tell you what - I’ve never been sad at a Mexican restaurant. Kitchen Tea Towel

Eat a salad they said, it’s healthy. You know what never gets recalled? Pie. Team pie. Kitchen Tea Towel

I love it when my pet sighs. It’s like, “What ails you my furry little freeloader?” Kitchen Tea Towel

Beware of the dog. The cat is shady as hell also. Kitchen Tea Towel

Dumbfuckery Tea Towel

I'm outdoorsy in that I like drinking on patios. Kitchen Tea Towel

Way too many of our stories end with, “and that’s why we can never go back there.” Kitchen Tea Towel

Try My New Recipe, They’re Shut The Fucupcakes. Kitchen Tea Towel

May your teeth be as white as your dance moves. Kitchen Tea Towel

I still don't understand what a wine stopper is for

So Are We Eating Our Feelings or Drinking Them? Kitchen Tea Towel

My Spirit Animal Is A Fat Raccoon Trying To Get Into a Dumpster. Kitchen Tea Towel

If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink… You're an amateur and we can't be friends. Kitchen Tea Towel

Having A Daughter Is Like Having A Broke Best Friend Who Thinks You’re Rich. Kitchen Tea Towel

We Treat You Like Family Tea Towel

Telling a woman to calm down works about as well as baptizing a cat. Kitchen Tea Towel

Giraffe - Pop up Sponge

Wise Woman Swedish Dishcloth

Fun Cow in Sun Swedish Dishcloth

Naughty, Nice, an Attempt was Made

Coffee Swedish Dishcloth

Cows on Apple Green Swedish Dishcloth

Dogs Swedish Dishcloth

Fungi on White Swedish Dishcloth

Herbs Swedish Dishcloth

Little Chickens Swedish Dishcloth

Red Hearts Swedish Dishcloth

Pineapples Swedish Dishcloth

Sea Turtles Swedish Dishcloth

Sunflowers Swedish Dishcloth

Don't make me use my teacher voice

Are You Drunk?

I Can't Wait To Retire So I Can Get Up At 6 O'clock In The Morning And Go Drive Around Really Slow And Make Everybody Late For Work

“That candle smells like Fireball” “Us non-alcoholics like to call that cinnamon, Becky”

Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for 11 minutes.

Fun Fact: If you refill a wine glass before it’s empty, it still counts as one glass.

Listen, if drunk me said or did something, you gotta take it up with drunk me. Don’t come at sober me because we weren’t there. We don’t know what happened…

Anyone getting to the point where it would be OK if Jolene came and took your man?

I don’t mind coming to work, but waiting 8 hours to go home is bullshit.

Broom Parking Only, Violators will be Toad

HR said I’m not allowed to make up names for my coworkers. I hope Frankie Fuckface is fucking happy now…

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes… She hugged me.

Let me check my Giveashitometer. Nope, nothing.

Sometimes I look at people and think “Really? That’s the sperm that won?”

My kid is turning out just like me, well played, karma. Well-played.

Me: I love the swim-up bar at this resort! Husband: You’re in the bath and you’re drunk again

When someone tells me I look familiar, I tell them, “I do porn.”

Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.

At my funeral take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it at the crowd to see who is next.

I didn’t wear earrings for a long time and the holes closed. Now I’m worried about my vagina.

Mr. Rogers did not adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood

My ability to remember song lyrics from the 80s far exceeds my ability to remember why I walked into the kitchen.

You know you’re getting old anytime you’re entering your DOB with a smartphone you get to the year and you have to spin that bitch like you’re on Wheel of Fortune

Overall, I love you more than I want to strangle you.

Most people can’t tell if I’m being sincere or a smartass. It’s kind of a gift.