KITCHEN + HOME

BEFORE I GET BACK IN SHAPE TEA TOWEL

Vegetables Disguised As Noodles Tea Towel

You're A Busy Woman Tea Towel

Oregon Tea Towel

Washington Mountains Tea Towel

Giraffe - Pop up Sponge

Wise Woman Swedish Dishcloth

Fun Cow in Sun Swedish Dishcloth

Coffee Swedish Dishcloth

Cows on Apple Green Swedish Dishcloth

We Should Be Friends Swedish Dishcloth

Fungi on White Swedish Dishcloth

Herbs Swedish Dishcloth

Little Chickens Swedish Dishcloth

Lemon Lime on White Swedish Dishcloth

Peaches Swedish Dishcloth

Piggies Swedish Dishcloth

Pineapples Swedish Dishcloth

Sea Turtles Swedish Dishcloth

Sunflowers Swedish Dishcloth

Don't make me use my teacher voice

Are You Drunk?

I Can't Wait To Retire So I Can Get Up At 6 O'clock In The Morning And Go Drive Around Really Slow And Make Everybody Late For Work

That Candle Smells Like Fireball

Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for 11 minutes.

Fun Fact: If you refill a wine glass before it’s empty, it still counts as one glass.

Listen, if drunk me said or did something, you gotta take it up with drunk me. Don’t come at sober me because we weren’t there. We don’t know what happened…

Anyone getting to the point where it would be OK if Jolene came and took your man?

I don’t mind coming to work, but waiting 8 hours to go home is bullshit.

HR said I’m not allowed to make up names for my coworkers

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes… She hugged me.

Let me check my Giveashitometer. Nope, nothing.

Sometimes I look at people and think “Really? That’s the sperm that won?”

Me: I love the swim-up bar at this resort! Husband: You’re in the bath and you’re drunk again

When someone tells me I look familiar, I tell them, “I do porn.”

Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.

At my funeral take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it at the crowd to see who is next.

I didn’t wear earrings for a long time and the holes closed. Now I’m worried about my vagina.

Mr. Rogers did not adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood

My ability to remember song lyrics from the 80s far exceeds my ability to remember why I walked into the kitchen.

Stop being an Asshole

Whore Members

The officer said, You Drinking?

Don't be a dick coaster

Scene at my boss's funeral

Let me call you right back

I got called pretty today!

Damn I woke up sexy again

Driving down a road and saw my ex coaster

Me: I'm actually happy right now.

I hate it when I got to the kitchen

It's 6 months since I joined the gym

Them "You need to listen to your body more."

Husband: What's for dinner?

How to piss off your teenager

Parenthood, the scariest hood

When My Kids Say Daddy, i want mommy

I now know how it will all end for me

It feels amazing to walk into a store

My kid turning out just like me

Me: I want to travel

You know you’re getting old anytime you’re entering your DOB with a smartphone you get to the year and you have to spin that bitch like you’re on Wheel of Fortune

Overall, I love you more than I want to strangle you.

Most people can’t tell if I’m being sincere or a smartass. It’s kind of a gift.

And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in & doing whatever we wanted in a clean house, so we had kids.

I wish I had more Middle Fingers

I’ve reached that age where my brain goes from You Probably shouldn't say that

I just fired myself from cleaning the house. I don’t like my attitude & I got caught drinking on the job.

Wife: “I’m Pissed!” Husband: “Again or still?”

Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.

I came, I saw, I forgot what I was doing, retraced my steps, got distracted on my way back, have no idea what’s going on and now I have to pee.

This whole “kill them with Kindness” thing is taking way longer than anticipated

Sometimes I stare at my husband when he isn’t looking and I think to myself, wow… He is one lucky son of a bitch.

Wooden Plant Markers

Seedy MF Small Planter