BUILD A BOX

Winter Box + Shred

The Teal Box Gift Card

Sometimes I stare at my husband when he isn’t looking and I think to myself, wow… He is one lucky son of a bitch.

Teacher: “Name a book that made you cry.” Me: Algebra

This whole “kill them with Kindness” thing is taking way longer than anticipated

I came, I saw, I forgot what I was doing, retraced my steps, got distracted on my way back, have no idea what’s going on and now I have to pee.

Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.

Wife: I’m Pissed! Husband: “Again or still?”

I just fired myself from cleaning the house. I don’t like my attitude & I got caught drinking on the job.

I’ve reached that age where my brain goes from You Probably shouldn't say that

I wish I had more Middle Fingers

Most people can’t tell if I’m being sincere or a smartass. It’s kind of a gift.

Mr. Rogers did not adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood

I didn’t wear earrings for a long time and the holes closed. Now I’m worried about my vagina.

At my funeral take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it at the crowd to see who is next.

Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.

Me: I love the swim-up bar at this resort! Husband: You’re in the bath and you’re drunk again

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes… She hugged me.

Me at work: I don’t think I get enough credit for the fact that I do all of this sober

Let me check my Giveashitometer. Nope, nothing.

I don’t mind coming to work, but waiting 8 hours to go home is bullshit.

Listen, if drunk me said or did something, you gotta take it up with drunk me. Don’t come at sober me because we weren’t there. We don’t know what happened…

Therapist: and What do we do When we Are Sad? Me: Add to Cart. Therapist: No.

Fun Fact: If you refill a wine glass before it’s empty, it still counts as one glass.

Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for 11 minutes.

That Candle Smells Like Fireball

Are You Drunk?

HR said I’m not allowed to make up names for my coworkers

Overall, I love you more than I want to strangle you.

You know you’re getting old anytime you’re entering your DOB with a smartphone you get to the year and you have to spin that bitch like you’re on Wheel of Fortune

Do you believe in love at first sight, or do I need to walk past again? Koozie

Since I don’t qualify for a She Shed, I want a Bitch Barn. Koozie

I Just Dropped My New Single. It's Me. I'm Single.

Banned From Mom Groups

Instead of a Grandchild May I Interest You In a Plant

Being Cremated Is My Last Hope For a Smoking Body

Just An Old Ho Carrying On

Pickle Slut

Calm Your Tits Mug

A Large Group of People is Called a No Thanks

Don't Be Shitty Mug

I Like Pretty Things & the word Fuck

Look Who's All Grown Up And Ready For A Colonoscopy

I Checked My Receipt. I didn’t Buy any of Your Bullshit.

Nosey Little Fucker Aren't You

3" Feels Like 8 When You Are Think You’re In Love mug

It's a Throat Punch Kind Of Day

Everything Is Fine

Absofuckinglutely. Short White Tumbler

Fucker in charge of all you fucking fucks white tumbler

I love cock tails. Wine Tumbler

Because Husbands Wine glass

What Up, Slut Shot Glass

Just A Girl Who Loves Peckers Shot Glass

Ray Of Fucking Sunshine Shot Glass

Fresh Outta Fucks Shot Glass

I'll have what the guy on the floor Shot Glass

Thinking of You - Pocket Hug

Love You - Pocket Hug -

Believe in Yourself - Pocket Hug

It's A Good Day Trinket Tray

LOVE- Large Rectangle Trinket Tray

Yuzu Citrus Beeswax Lip Balm

Rose Garden Lip Balm

Oregon Mint Beeswax Lip Balm

I Tried List Bone Dog Toy

He's Making a List… I’ve Eaten Twice Bone Dog Toy

This Soap makes Me Feel Less Murdery

Christmas Is The Tits Ornament

Lit as a Mother Ornament

What The Elf? Ornament

Fresh Out of F*cks Goat Milk Bar Soap

Festive As Fuck Magnet

Red Truck Christmas Holiday Magnet

It's beginning to look a lot like Fuck This Magnet