KEEP IT SASSY

Listen, if drunk me said or did something, you gotta take it up with drunk me. Don’t come at sober me because we weren’t there. We don’t know what happened…

$6.00

Therapist: and What do we do When we Are Sad? Me: Add to Cart. Therapist: No.

$6.00

Fun Fact: If you refill a wine glass before it’s empty, it still counts as one glass.

$6.00

Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for 11 minutes.

$6.00

That Candle Smells Like Fireball

$6.00

Are You Drunk?

$6.00

HR said I’m not allowed to make up names for my coworkers

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Overall, I love you more than I want to strangle you.

$6.00

You know you’re getting old anytime you’re entering your DOB with a smartphone you get to the year and you have to spin that bitch like you’re on Wheel of Fortune

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Me at work: I don’t think I get enough credit for the fact that I do all of this sober

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I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes… She hugged me.

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Sometimes I look at people and think “Really? That’s the sperm that won?”

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Let me check my Giveashitometer. Nope, nothing.

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I didn’t wear earrings for a long time and the holes closed. Now I’m worried about my vagina.

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When someone tells me I look familiar, I tell them, “I do porn.”

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Mr. Rogers did not adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood

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Most people can’t tell if I’m being sincere or a smartass. It’s kind of a gift.

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My ability to remember song lyrics from the 80s far exceeds my ability to remember why I walked into the kitchen.

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Me: I love the swim-up bar at this resort! Husband: You’re in the bath and you’re drunk again

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At my funeral take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it at the crowd to see who is next.

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Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.

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I just fired myself from cleaning the house. I don’t like my attitude & I got caught drinking on the job.

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And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in & doing whatever we wanted in a clean house, so we had kids.

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I wish I had more Middle Fingers

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Wife: “I’m Pissed!” Husband: “Again or still?”

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I’ve reached that age where my brain goes from You Probably shouldn't say that

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Teacher: “Name a book that made you cry.” Me: Algebra

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I came, I saw, I forgot what I was doing, retraced my steps, got distracted on my way back, have no idea what’s going on and now I have to pee.

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This whole “kill them with Kindness” thing is taking way longer than anticipated

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Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.

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Sometimes I stare at my husband when he isn’t looking and I think to myself, wow… He is one lucky son of a bitch.

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I Can't Wait To Retire So I Can Get Up At 6 O'clock In The Morning And Go Drive Around Really Slow And Make Everybody Late For Work

$6.00

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I still don't understand what a wine stopper is for

$10.00

Try My New Recipe, They’re Shut The Fucupcakes. Kitchen Tea Towel

$10.00

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Are we having drinks? Or are we having dranks? I need to dress accordingly. Kitchen Tea Towel

$14.00

Thank you, Craft Beer Breweries, for making my drinking problem seem like a neat hobby. Kitchen Tea Towel

$14.00

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100% unbleached cotton dish towel that reads "I love bacon because you can wrap it around everything. It's basically the duct tape of food"

I love Bacon because you can wrap it around everything. It is basically the duct tape of food. Kitchen Tea Towel

$14.00

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Part of me says, “I should stop drinking like this.” But the other part of me says, “Don’t listen to her. She’s drunk.” Kitchen Tea Towel

$14.00

Don't ever let a recipe tell you how many chocolate chips to use. You measure that shit with your heart. Kitchen Tea Towel

$14.00

Beware of the dog. The cat is shady as hell also. Kitchen Tea Towel

$14.00

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I'm outdoorsy in that I like drinking on patios. Kitchen Tea Towel

$10.00

Medium Chunky Salsa Me too, salsa. Me too. Kitchen Tea Towel

$14.00

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If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink… You're an amateur and we can't be friends. Kitchen Tea Towel

$10.00

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I don’t know the secret to happiness, but I tell you what - I’ve never been sad at a Mexican restaurant. Kitchen Tea Towel

$14.00

My Spirit Animal Is A Fat Raccoon Trying To Get Into a Dumpster. Kitchen Tea Towel

$10.00

Way too many of our stories end with, “and that’s why we can never go back there.” Kitchen Tea Towel

$10.00

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Eat a salad they said, it’s healthy. You know what never gets recalled? Pie. Team pie. Kitchen Tea Towel

$14.00

I keep the subtitles on because sometimes I'm just snackin' too loud.

$14.00

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They Should Put More Wine In A Bottle

$14.00

Husband said calm down

$14.00

Fuckity Fuck Fuck Apron

$30.00

Rise And Shine Bitches!

$14.00

When In Doubt Pull It Out

$14.00

I Bake Shit And I Avoid People

$14.00

The Food Has Weed In It Spatula

$18.00

Baking Some Shut The Fucupcakes Spatula

$18.00

I Am A Ray Of Fucking Sunshine

$22.00

You're Like Really Hard To Shop For

$22.00

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Holy Shit, You're Old!

$22.00

Happy Fucking Birthday

$22.00

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Calm The Fuck Down

$22.00

Smells like Retirement

$22.00

My Last Fuck

$22.00

Adulting, Would Not Recommend

$22.00

Good Luck Finding Better Co-Workers Than Us

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Cancer, You Picked The Wrong Bitch

$22.00

It's Your Fucking Birthday

$22.00

Plant Slut Candle

$22.00

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Fifty and fucking fabulous

$22.00

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Sixty and fucking fabulous

$22.00

Burning candles.. because setting fire to people I fucking hate is frowned upon candle

$22.00

Smells like.. freshly signed divorce papers Candle

$22.00

A Wise Woman once said “fuck this shit” and she lived happily ever after

$20.00