KEEP IT SASSY

Born and Raised in Wishabitch Woods

$17.00

Everybody Chill, Dad is on the Grill Koozie

$6.00

When one door closes and another door opens, you’re probably in prison. Koozie

$6.00

Since I don’t qualify for a She Shed, I want a Bitch Barn. Koozie

$6.00

Warning: Alcohol consumption will make you believe you’re whispering… I assure you , you’re not. Koozie

$6.00

Do you believe in love at first sight, or do I need to walk past again? Koozie

$6.00

I don’t mind coming to work, but waiting 8 hours to go home is bullshit.

$6.00

Anyone getting to the point where it would be OK if Jolene came and took your man?

$6.00

Listen, if drunk me said or did something, you gotta take it up with drunk me. Don’t come at sober me because we weren’t there. We don’t know what happened…

$6.00

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Therapist: and What do we do When we Are Sad? Me: Add to Cart. Therapist: No.

$6.00

Fun Fact: If you refill a wine glass before it’s empty, it still counts as one glass.

$6.00

Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for 11 minutes.

$6.00

“That candle smells like Fireball” “Us non-alcoholics like to call that cinnamon, Becky”

$6.00

Are You Drunk?

$6.00

HR said I’m not allowed to make up names for my coworkers. I hope Frankie Fuckface is fucking happy now…

$6.00

Overall, I love you more than I want to strangle you.

$6.00

You know you’re getting old anytime you’re entering your DOB with a smartphone you get to the year and you have to spin that bitch like you’re on Wheel of Fortune

$6.00

(Me at work) I don’t think I get enough credit for the fact that I do all of this sober

$6.00

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes… She hugged me.

$6.00

Sometimes I look at people and think “Really? That’s the sperm that won?”

$6.00

Let me check my Giveashitometer. Nope, nothing.

$6.00

I didn’t wear earrings for a long time and the holes closed. Now I’m worried about my vagina.

$6.00

When someone tells me I look familiar, I tell them, “I do porn.”

$6.00

Mr. Rogers did not adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood

$6.00

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Most people can’t tell if I’m being sincere or a smartass. It’s kind of a gift.

$6.00

My ability to remember song lyrics from the 80s far exceeds my ability to remember why I walked into the kitchen.

$6.00

Me: I love the swim-up bar at this resort! Husband: You’re in the bath and you’re drunk again

$6.00

At my funeral take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it at the crowd to see who is next.

$6.00

Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.

$6.00

I just fired myself from cleaning the house. I don’t like my attitude & I got caught drinking on the job.

$6.00

And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in & doing whatever we wanted in a clean house, so we had kids.

$6.00

I wish I had more Middle Fingers

$6.00

Wife: “I’m Pissed!” Husband: “Again or still?”

$6.00

I’ve reached that age where my brain goes from “You probably shouldn’t say that.” to “What the hell, let’s see what happens.”

$6.00

Teacher: “Name a book that made you cry.” Me: Algebra

$6.00

I came, I saw, I forgot what I was doing, retraced my steps, got distracted on my way back, have no idea what’s going on and now I have to pee.

$6.00

This whole “kill them with Kindness” thing is taking way longer than anticipated

$6.00

Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.

$6.00

Sometimes I stare at my husband when he isn’t looking and I think to myself, wow… He is one lucky son of a bitch.

$6.00

I Can't Wait To Retire So I Can Get Up At 6 O'clock In The Morning And Go Drive Around Really Slow And Make Everybody Late For Work

$6.00

I still don't understand what a wine stopper is for

$10.00

Try My New Recipe, They’re Shut The Fucupcakes. Kitchen Tea Towel

$10.00

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Are we having drinks? Or are we having dranks? I need to dress accordingly. Kitchen Tea Towel

$14.00

Thank you, Craft Beer Breweries, for making my drinking problem seem like a neat hobby. Kitchen Tea Towel

$14.00

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100% unbleached cotton dish towel that reads "I love bacon because you can wrap it around everything. It's basically the duct tape of food"

I love Bacon because you can wrap it around everything. It is basically the duct tape of food. Kitchen Tea Towel

$14.00

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Part of me says, “I should stop drinking like this.” But the other part of me says, “Don’t listen to her. She’s drunk.” Kitchen Tea Towel

$14.00

Don't ever let a recipe tell you how many chocolate chips to use. You measure that shit with your heart. Kitchen Tea Towel

$14.00

Beware of the dog. The cat is shady as hell also. Kitchen Tea Towel

$14.00

I'm outdoorsy in that I like drinking on patios. Kitchen Tea Towel

$10.00

Medium Chunky Salsa Me too, salsa. Me too. Kitchen Tea Towel

$14.00

If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink… You're an amateur and we can't be friends. Kitchen Tea Towel

$10.00

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I don’t know the secret to happiness, but I tell you what - I’ve never been sad at a Mexican restaurant. Kitchen Tea Towel

$14.00

My Spirit Animal Is A Fat Raccoon Trying To Get Into a Dumpster. Kitchen Tea Towel

$10.00

Way too many of our stories end with, “and that’s why we can never go back there.” Kitchen Tea Towel

$10.00

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Eat a salad they said, it’s healthy. You know what never gets recalled? Pie. Team pie. Kitchen Tea Towel

$14.00

I keep the subtitles on because sometimes I'm just snackin' too loud.

$14.00

They Should Put More Wine In A Bottle

$14.00

Husband said calm down

$14.00

Fuckity Fuck Fuck Apron

$30.00

Rise And Shine Bitches!

$14.00

When In Doubt Pull It Out

$14.00

I Bake Shit And I Avoid People

$14.00

The Food Has Weed In It Spatula

$18.00

Baking Some Shut The Fucupcakes Spatula

$18.00

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Look At You Buying A House & Shit

$22.00

I Am A Ray Of Fucking Sunshine

$22.00

You're Like Really Hard To Shop For

$22.00

Holy Shit, You're Old!

$22.00

Happy Fucking Birthday

$22.00

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Look At You Getting A New Job & Shit

$22.00

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Calm The Fuck Down

$22.00

Smells like Retirement

$22.00

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Thanks For All The Orgasms

$22.00

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You're My Favorite Bitch To Bitch About Bitches

$22.00

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You're My Favorite Thing To Do

$22.00